A Friend's Take on Pride

By Heather Slagsvol. Posted with permission. 

Week 5: Pride (and some boasting, too)

The theme of this week has been weighing on my heart since JJ introduced it, which is funny because I felt like pride was one of the last things I struggled with (hmm…maybe that should have been an instant heads up). I know that I don’t boast about talents or abilities…wait….I THOUGHT I didn’t boast about talents and abilities because I was looking at it from the wrong angle, but today I feel like God revealed something to me about myself. Let me try to walk you through the thought process I had today.

Something happened to me that occurs on a daily basis. I thought that someone had responded to me in a way that was harsher or less sensitive than I would have liked. Yes, this literally happens to me every day. Today was different though, because almost immediately instead of thinking, “Why are people always so mean to me?” I thought, “Why do I always take things the wrong way?” and I immediately thought about 15 Weeks to Love, and what JJ had introduced about pride. So, I got out my computer and looked up the definition of pride. I really thought I knew what it meant, but I wanted to see if there was anything in there that I had missed. The definition that first popped up said, “a dignified or becoming sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position and character.” Simple enough. But that word “becoming” kept sticking out to me. While I also know what it means, I decided to look that word up too to see if anything new stuck out. “Becoming: to give a pleasing effect.” There it is. “To give a pleasing effect”.  It immediately hit me, let me explain….

I am ALWAYS taking things the wrong way. ALWAYS. Too short of a response, an honest answer, something less than I had expected…something that doesn’t give me a “pleasing effect”…

Could it be pride that causes me to think I deserve a specific response from people? I think I actually believe that people constantly mistreat me or take advantage of me on purpose, that I am unappreciated or not respected enough. But in all honesty, if I really think about it, I have only been TRULY treated that way a few times in my life. I am really good at making myself the victim in any situation. I say a nasty thing about someone, and instantly, I blame them. “Well, they are always doing 'this or that' to me”. “Well, I let it bubble up for too long, they are just so MEAN!” I always try to be the innocent one. ALWAYS. I think I believe that I deserve a certain sort of treatment from people...(“a sense of what is DUE to one’s self”). If that’s not pride I don’t know what is.

Since pride is directly related to boasting I decided to go back to last week’s blog entry about it. Oh man. JJ wrote about “boasting in our weaknesses”. There it is. I think that I am “weak” and sweet, and kind, and nice, and blah blah blah, and while I really do try to practice those character traits, I think I have convinced myself that I am never the opposite of those things. It sounds so unbecoming when I say it out loud.

Here are some of my actual go-to statements:
“I always try so hard to be nice….”
“I’m not saying I want or need something in return from them, but….”
“I just feel like we do so much, but….”
“It just seems like we are so unappreciated…..”
(I say “we” because I often suck my poor husband into my crazy.)

All of these statements are my natural defenses, my immediate responses...and they reek of pride and false humility.

Who do I think I am? Jesus?

I am not perfect.
Sometimes I am mean.
I say things about other people that I shouldn’t.
I judge.
I blame others when I respond the wrong way.
I’m not always nice…
or kind…..

….Wow. It really feels good to say those things. I know who I aim to be. And I am not trying to beat myself down or condemn myself for the things I do wrong, because I don’t think that’s right either. But I finally feel like this MAJOR part of my life is starting to make sense. I can only be all the things I want to be through Jesus anyway. I need to step back and take responsibility for my own actions and stop blaming others. I also need to stop thinking that I deserve a specific sort of treatment from people…

I do struggle with pride.

By Heather Slagsvol. Posted with permission.

Week 4: Love Does Not Boast

This is a funny one for me, as I come from a family of boasters.  We don’t mean any harm.  We would be genuinely happy for you if you did something great, so we assume if we do something great, you’ll be happy for us, too. I know it can be annoying. I’ve seen people’s faces. I’ve heard their comments. I’ve even seen people pull away and be bitter. Why? Why does it bother people so much when someone is bragging? Think about it. Is it really THAT big of a deal?

Well, God seems to think so.

Bragging is instantly annoying to others because it’s like saying, “I care more about myself than you.”  Generally, humans actually believe this, but bragging displays right out in the open (in your face), “I don’t care about you.” That isn’t actually what I’m thinking when I brag. It’s usually more like, “maybe if this person knew the things I do, they’ll like me and be my friend.”  How ironic.

If I actually loved everyone the way God called me to, I would be eager to hear what THEY have to say, not eager to tell them how great I am. 

In my case, and probably for a lot of others as well, it stems from an insecurity. If you catch me talking about myself, it’s usually because I’m so nervous we’ll be standing together in silence and awkwardness with nothing to say. I have explained recently to some women in my church that if I just stop talking and walk away, it’s because I generally don’t know how to carry on a conversation successfully, so I leave when I have nothing else to say. I’m not really sure what I’m nervous about, but nonetheless, in addition to loving better, I’m working on my people skills.

The original Greek word found in 1 Corinthians 13:4 means “to boast or point to oneself.” I like this phrase, “to point to oneself” because it is the opposite of love. Love points outward. Love lifts up, encourages, and exults. Not to itself but to God and others. Boasting is a form of selfishness. My fear of empty space in conversation is also a form of selfishness. If I cared more about you, maybe I’d be able to converse better with you. I’m not great on the spot, so usually when I know I’ll see someone, I think of a list of about 10 questions to ask them when the moment is ready. This is just an exercise for me to get better at talking and listening, but it’s also teaching me how to think about other people instead of myself.

If Love does NOT Boast, than maybe this week I should try to be a better listener, caring more about what others have to say than getting all my thoughts out. Want to try it with me?