Why God-Seeking is the only way that works

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Partly because of this 15 Weeks to Love campaign, but also partly because, well, I’m a woman. I have questions running through the back of my mind like, “what do I want out of life?” and “what will make me happy?” These questions can have positive impacts on our lives, but let’s face it, they are the epitome of self-seeking. It can’t be a coincidence that I find myself struggling with them this week. The problem is, I really can’t answer the questions, so I find myself getting depressed and sinking down into myself. "I don’t even know what I want?!" (typical woman). I can think of a handful of areas I may have pursued in life if I hadn’t fallen in love and had crazy-cool kids. I may have been a missionary in Africa, I may have pursued singing and song-writing, I may have pursued my interest for language and would be able to speak fluently in several languages by now. Being married and having kids didn’t keep me from these things, I WANTED to be married and have a family. I’m not sure why I think about what I would have done if I wasn’t. But even if I was able to pursue those things now, with a husband and kids, I’m still not sure they would make me happy.

So last night, I finally decided to ask God to come in and help me with all these thoughts and struggles. When I did, I realized God was showing me that no matter what I choose, I’ll never really be happy or fulfilled unless it’s what God wants for me.  What I TRULY want is more of God and to fulfill His calling and purposes for my life. This is the only way that works.

Let me explain. We know that following our every desire and whim doesn’t actually make us happy. Look at Hollywood. The rich and famous either have or can obtain everything they want but they’re not actually happy. You can’t argue with me on this, we all know it.

But sometimes what we do is swing the pendulum to other side, thinking that if we live for OTHERS (or Others-Seeking), we’ll be truly satisfied. Let me explain why this doesn’t work. When I live to serve others, ignoring my desires in order to help someone else (we call this ‘shoving it down’) my desires tend to get hungrier and hungrier until one day I snap and do something crazy with all the desire I have inside me. Shoving your own desire down or ignoring it does not make it go away. It starves your desire and makes it uncontrollable.

When I seek God with my desires, or when I’m God-seeking, do you know what happens? My desires don’t get shoved down, they get brought to the surface, they get filled with His Spirit, and HIS desires start to take shape in me. My desires become the desires of my Beloved. I don’t have to control them or contain them or push them down, because they are Good and Fulfilling and Satisfying.

Do you see the difference? I can’t ignore my soul-searching questions. Maybe I can for a time by distracting myself with something else. But they’ll keep coming back. And if I keep ignoring them, my once-healthy desire may lead me astray because of its desperation to fulfill itself. But when I bring my questions and desires to God, instead of getting shoved down, they get amplified in such a way that I realize I will never be satisfied unless I’m walking out my desires WITH My Love right beside me.

Being in love may help us understand this concept. I really want to go to Venice someday, really, really, really. But I wouldn’t imagine going by myself, I want to go with the love of my life! The trip would be infinitely better if I went with my husband, enjoying everything together, making beautiful memories, sight-seeing with two perspectives, and getting to taste two meals at each restaurant instead of one. Isn’t it always better when we’re together? If I went by myself, I could still have fun, but there would be a tinge of sadness in each moment that I couldn’t share my joy with someone else.

This is what God does with my desires. When I bring them to God, He seems to actually intensify my desires to show me that they will only be satisfied if I walk them out WITH HIM.

Sometimes this is painful or uncomfortable. I have to be vulnerable and express my heart, I have to allow Him into areas I may have ignored for a long time, or things I may be afraid or ashamed of, but I have to do it. Because, as you can see, God-seeking is the only way that works.