No Fault Policy

This week has been trying as I’ve struggled with what it means to love in the area of “Not holding a record of wrongs”. How can we actually live like this? How can we actually LOVE like this? It doesn’t make sense. Am I supposed to forget everything done to me? Should the church focus solely on creating a scientific device that can search for grudges or complaints in my mind and erase the information so I no longer feel that way? Obviously, this is not the case. God doesn’t want me to be less aware, but more aware. The more I am wronged, the more opportunity I have to love. So how do I do this?

I woke up today and asked God to show me for the tenth time this week, "Please God, show me something!" He finally responded, or at least I finally heard His response. He said, “NO FAULT”. That’s it. He didn’t explain it. He didn’t expand. He just said “NO FAULT” and I know it was God because it didn’t relate to anything else I was thinking and it came out of nowhere.

NO FAULT.
In New York State, we have a policy for car accidents called No Fault. In an accident, someone can still technically be “at fault” because the police will issue tickets based on who caused the accident, but the person at fault will not be held responsible for the other person’s medical bills. If you are in an accident, and someone else is at fault, their insurance company is not responsible for you. Your own company has to pay your medical bills, which is why EVERY New York driver must have insurance. You have to cover your own butt if you get hurt.

How does that relate to LOVE?

I think not holding a record of wrongs doesn’t mean it’s never someone else’s fault. Sometimes it really is, and the judgment from the higher authority is still there. The ticket may still be issued by God, the ruling may be made. But I can not hold the offender at fault. I am not allowed to demand that they pay my hospital bills, or in other words, pay for my pain. They are not responsible to make up for the pain that they’ve caused me. I need to release this “right” in my heart and mind. I need to instill a No Fault policy in my heart towards those who wrong me.

The beauty of it is this: When I release them, I am released.

It’s the same as the chains I found myself in when I chose to walk in anger instead of love. Unforgiveness, or believing someone owes me a debt, puts me in chains or bindings. I am bound up in such a way that I am tied to the person I won’t forgive.

We think of forgiveness as releasing someone else, but when we forgive, we’re really releasing ourselves.

Love is selfless, so it’s full of grace and forgiveness.

I keep looking at all these Love attributes in the sense that if I follow them, it will be better for all of those around me. And it’s true, it will impact them, but it will also impact me. My life will be better when I walk in Love instead of bitterness, fear, resentment or anger, because I will be FREE.

That’s the point of “Love does not hold a record of wrongs”…Freedom.

Week 9: Love does not keep a record of wrongs

Throughout this Love challenge, I’ve been hearing some very difficult lines in my head. They keep repeating to me when I’m upset with someone, when I’m frustrated with my kids, when I’m unsure of what I want in life. They remind me of the Beatitudes or the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5, but in today’s wording.

If Jesus hadn’t come 2,000 years ago, and instead was here today, I think we’d have a few hundred youtube videos of Jesus standing in a parking lot saying the following:

It’s better to be taken advantage of, than to take advantage.
It’s better to be cheated, than to cheat.
It’s better to be abused, than to abuse.
It’s better to be offended, than to offend.
It’s better to suffer, than to cause suffering.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul is addressing some issues in the church of Corinth. One of the issues is the Corinthians bringing each other to court with lawsuits. This is really disappointing to Paul, so much so that he says to them, “Even to have such lawsuits with one another is a defeat for you. Why not just accept the injustice and leave it at that? Why not let yourselves be cheated?” (1 Corinthians 6:7)

Why not let yourself be cheated? It’s better than holding a record of wrong and demanding justice for the injustice done to you.

Ouch. I mean really. I’ve said ouch before, but this one could dramatically change my life.

I’ve been struggling with love because I’m finding that it’s always being the bigger person, always loving someone else more than yourself, always getting hurt but never being offended. I can’t help but wonder if this is really what God wants for us. I truly believe that the gospel is Good News, and that living in love is the best thing for us, and yet, when I look at it this way, it’s a really, really hard pill to swallow. The effort of swallowing this pill would be like trying to fit a camel through the eye of a needle. I’m not sure I can love like that, and I’m not even sure I want to.

I want to fight for injustice. I want to stand up for what I believe in. I want to stand up to bullies. I refuse to accept abuse or negativity.

But I’m not actually sure that’s right.

Do you see my struggle?

In the bible, Jesus only took a physical stand against injustice once, when he flipped the tables over at the temple. He was angry at the money-makers who were exploiting people who wanted God.

But other than that, Jesus didn’t really stand up to bullies. When crowds and mobs tried to kill him, he ran away or slipped through the crowd because the bible says it “wasn’t his time”. But eventually folks, it was his time, and instead of standing up to bullies, not only did he not even try to defend himself (read the conversation he had with Pontius Pilate) he allowed himself to be tortured and killed.

He healed the sick, he fed the hungry, he cast out demons. But even when they brought the adulteress woman to him, he didn’t seem to “fight for injustice” in the way that we think of fighting. He crouched down to the ground in silence, deep in thought, and finally made a soft and very wise comment that caught everyone off guard.

We think we’ve really grasped what Jesus came down to show us. But we’re still looking for an all-powerful king to come down and make everything right, just like the Jews were looking for. Because of this, they actually missed their king when he came.

Jesus seemed to have a more gentle approach that really throws us off.

I think this approach is love.

Think about Psalms, it’s full of injustice. But verse after verse, the writer is crying out for God to come with HIS justice. “How long, oh Lord, will you let me suffer?” “Devour my enemies.” "Make them a footstool underneath my feet." The psalmists were continually calling out to God to fight their battles FOR them, and waiting patiently on Him to do so. There is something here for us.

It’s hard. It’s so different than the way we live, but somehow if we can grasp this, I think we’ll make the world a better place.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, post a comment and tell me what you think.

Little Things That Are Tied To Bigger Things

This week we’ve been talking about how Love is Not Easily Angered. Sometimes we’re impatient, or selfish, or we just don’t love like we should. This results in us being easily angered, offended, or provoked. It may feel difficult, but with the Holy Spirit’s guidance, some exercises in thankfulness, and focusing on the positive traits in the offender, we can usually get past them. But then there are those little things that happen which cause a reaction in us much BIGGER than was warranted. Sometimes, we’re just too sensitive, but other times, there is more going on.

A friend of mine was recently spilling her guts about some things her mom did that totally bugged her. It was driving her crazy. She was upset. She complained about every little thing her mom said, didn’t say, did, didn’t do. From my perspective, the things her mom did weren’t that big of a deal, but the situation was actually causing her a great deal of pain. As we talked, she mentioned a big fight they had a few years ago, which was never really resolved. Bingo. Guess what my friend is dealing with? A wound that never healed.

Sometimes when we’re offended, it hits a deep and painful wound that hasn’t healed yet. Something small could translate to us as a huge offense, “hitting a nerve” so to speak, because we’re actually wounded and bleeding and usually, we don’t even know it.

When we’re initially wounded, we tend to “get over” the pain without actually dealing with it. You know the old saying, “time heals all wounds”? Well, I think there is a chance some minor wounds will heal by themselves over time, but in a large wound situation, we need to be involved in the healing process. Ignoring this type of wound does not make it go away. You may, however, forget about it for a time. Think about it like back pain. People who live with back pain can generally function at a normal level. They have a mild amount of pain every day, but they just live with it. They get used to it. But then they go to lift that box, or kick that ball, and BAM, the wound has brought itself to the surface. "Remember me?" it asks. It never really healed. It just went behind the scenes for a while.

This happens with our deep emotional wounds, too. We don’t really know how to get through them. We let them scar a bit, and as long as they’re not bleeding everywhere and on everyone, we move on. But God loves us too much to let these wounds go unnoticed. God uses people and circumstances in our lives to remind us of the wounds that aren’t healed yet. He loves us, and wants the best for us, and doesn’t want us to live forever with the same wounds. He is the Perfect Healer, the Doctor for our souls. But remember, He is also patient, so He will allow you to hold on to your wounds again and again. He will wait, scalpel ready, for us to say, “Doc, you’ve gotta do something here. This hurts too much, and too often. I’m ready.”  Until then, He’ll allow situations to remind us of the pain, all in the hopes that we will bring this pain to Him so He can help us truly heal.

As I deal this week with being impatient and easily angered, or easily brought to tears, I’m asking God to come in and heal the places that hurt too much. I don’t want to be easily offended, I want to walk in forgiveness and really love my God and the people around me.

Sometimes we don’t want to let God heal us, because we want to stay angry with someone. They really deserve it, don’t they? But remember, when we choose to walk in anger, we end up ourselves in chains.

I don’t want to be in chains. I want to be free. So I don’t want to walk in anger and pain, I want to walk in love and forgiveness.

Week 8: Love is Not Easily Angered

This is an interesting one. Maybe you don’t find yourself to be a very angry person or at least you’re not ‘quick to anger’. But there is another translation you may have read: Love is not 'quick to offense' or ‘easily offended’. I am brought back to Week 6 “Love is Not Rude” because this is the other side of being offended. ‘Love is Not Rude’ means that if I love, I shouldn’t be doing inappropriate or offensive things. I know, trust me, I’m trying. But on the other hand, it also means that I won’t be easily offended by rude and inappropriate things people do. Right?

I wish everyone loved me with this love, because I’m so rude and inappropriate and try so hard not to be. I choose to believe that God is changing my heart, and that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, so He is shaping my heart in His perfect love so that eventually I will never offend or hurt anyone. But until then, will you love me with the love that covers my imperfections? Will you love me so much that when I do something offensive, you stop and think about what I meant, or how I could have said it differently, or think about the fact that maybe I truly didn’t know it was offensive? In Week 6, we talked about how if you don’t know something is offensive, it’s not unloving to do it.  But if you KNOW it’s offensive and do it anyway, THAT is unloving. (Remember men judge the actions, but God judges the heart.) So if I do something that hurts your feelings, but I honestly didn’t know, your love actually needs to cover me and be stronger than your hurt. I’m NOT saying your hurt doesn’t matter. I know it does! I am always so sorry when I’ve offended someone. I DO NOT want to hurt you! Your pain is real and totally valid. But sometimes, our love for others has to be greater than the pain they cause us. I’m not talking about sticking around with an abusive person. I’m talking about not being easily offended by things that rub you the wrong way.

I’m speaking from the perspective of the offender here because typically this is the way it goes for me. It’s not that I’m never offended, I am OCCASIONALLY on the defense of this. When I am, I really try to think about it and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What did they mean when they said that? Were they just trying to be funny? Did they know that would hurt my feelings? Usually, I can find a valid reason to not be mad at that person. I can chalk it up to different personality, different communication style, etc. But once in a while, I honestly will think you’ve done something purposefully to hurt my feelings, and then I may be offended.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all stopped doing things that hurt other people?

Absolutely!  (I think that’s why Week 6 comes first, it’s better to just not offend people.)

But wouldn’t it also be great if we stopped being offended or angry at the things other people do?

We find this problem heightened in the church. We’re supposed to love each other right? Jesus says the world will know we’re His disciples by our love for each other. The 6th step is to not be a jerk (Week 6), but if I AM a jerk, how many times should you forgive me? Up to 7 times? Remember when Peter asks Jesus this question and Jesus shakes his head and says something like, “dude, not 7 times! Try 70 times 7!” Meaning, don’t count the amount of times, just let it go.

Must I insert here the famous song from Frozen “Let it Go”?

A very wise man once taught in our church about being easily offended. He said to let an offense roll off you “like water off a duck’s back”. If you’re an established FOH member, you’ll remember this teaching by these simple words: “quack, quack”.

Quack, quack, like water off a duck’s back. People are going to be stupid. They’re going to offend you, hurt your feelings, and even be inappropriate and rude. It’s not loving of them, so you have every worldly right to be offended. But do you know what God says? God says love is not easily angered or easily offended. So do you have every spiritual right to be offended? Sometimes, yes. But most of the time, let’s be honest…No. If we really loved each other, we’d see past imperfections, focusing on the good, and loving anyway.

I’m sure you can list my imperfections. I can probably list yours. But our relationships are only going to work if we focus on the good in each other. When my husband does something that drives me crazy, I remind myself of all the wonderful things he does. I do this because I LOVE HIM. And since we’re all supposed to love each other, we should be doing this for EVERYONE. Does this mean never pointing out a fault? Not necessarily. If you really love me and bring something to my attention that I did wrong, I will try to listen to it and take it to heart. But if you bring something to me that I did wrong because you’re angry with me, how do you think I’ll react? Probably not great. Speaking truth is important, but it’s completely useless (like a clanging symbol) unless I’m speaking the truth IN LOVE. 

This week, let’s look at areas where we’re easily angered or offended. Let’s forgive people who offend us. And please keep in mind, that others may still be working on Week 6 and allowing God to work in their hearts so that they offend less. Please remember when I do something rude that I really love you, and am trying to love you the way God commands me to. And then when you’re offended by me, I’ll remember that you love me, and I’ll forgive you for not covering my faults.