Week 8: Love is Not Easily Angered

This is an interesting one. Maybe you don’t find yourself to be a very angry person or at least you’re not ‘quick to anger’. But there is another translation you may have read: Love is not 'quick to offense' or ‘easily offended’. I am brought back to Week 6 “Love is Not Rude” because this is the other side of being offended. ‘Love is Not Rude’ means that if I love, I shouldn’t be doing inappropriate or offensive things. I know, trust me, I’m trying. But on the other hand, it also means that I won’t be easily offended by rude and inappropriate things people do. Right?

I wish everyone loved me with this love, because I’m so rude and inappropriate and try so hard not to be. I choose to believe that God is changing my heart, and that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, so He is shaping my heart in His perfect love so that eventually I will never offend or hurt anyone. But until then, will you love me with the love that covers my imperfections? Will you love me so much that when I do something offensive, you stop and think about what I meant, or how I could have said it differently, or think about the fact that maybe I truly didn’t know it was offensive? In Week 6, we talked about how if you don’t know something is offensive, it’s not unloving to do it.  But if you KNOW it’s offensive and do it anyway, THAT is unloving. (Remember men judge the actions, but God judges the heart.) So if I do something that hurts your feelings, but I honestly didn’t know, your love actually needs to cover me and be stronger than your hurt. I’m NOT saying your hurt doesn’t matter. I know it does! I am always so sorry when I’ve offended someone. I DO NOT want to hurt you! Your pain is real and totally valid. But sometimes, our love for others has to be greater than the pain they cause us. I’m not talking about sticking around with an abusive person. I’m talking about not being easily offended by things that rub you the wrong way.

I’m speaking from the perspective of the offender here because typically this is the way it goes for me. It’s not that I’m never offended, I am OCCASIONALLY on the defense of this. When I am, I really try to think about it and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What did they mean when they said that? Were they just trying to be funny? Did they know that would hurt my feelings? Usually, I can find a valid reason to not be mad at that person. I can chalk it up to different personality, different communication style, etc. But once in a while, I honestly will think you’ve done something purposefully to hurt my feelings, and then I may be offended.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all stopped doing things that hurt other people?

Absolutely!  (I think that’s why Week 6 comes first, it’s better to just not offend people.)

But wouldn’t it also be great if we stopped being offended or angry at the things other people do?

We find this problem heightened in the church. We’re supposed to love each other right? Jesus says the world will know we’re His disciples by our love for each other. The 6th step is to not be a jerk (Week 6), but if I AM a jerk, how many times should you forgive me? Up to 7 times? Remember when Peter asks Jesus this question and Jesus shakes his head and says something like, “dude, not 7 times! Try 70 times 7!” Meaning, don’t count the amount of times, just let it go.

Must I insert here the famous song from Frozen “Let it Go”?

A very wise man once taught in our church about being easily offended. He said to let an offense roll off you “like water off a duck’s back”. If you’re an established FOH member, you’ll remember this teaching by these simple words: “quack, quack”.

Quack, quack, like water off a duck’s back. People are going to be stupid. They’re going to offend you, hurt your feelings, and even be inappropriate and rude. It’s not loving of them, so you have every worldly right to be offended. But do you know what God says? God says love is not easily angered or easily offended. So do you have every spiritual right to be offended? Sometimes, yes. But most of the time, let’s be honest…No. If we really loved each other, we’d see past imperfections, focusing on the good, and loving anyway.

I’m sure you can list my imperfections. I can probably list yours. But our relationships are only going to work if we focus on the good in each other. When my husband does something that drives me crazy, I remind myself of all the wonderful things he does. I do this because I LOVE HIM. And since we’re all supposed to love each other, we should be doing this for EVERYONE. Does this mean never pointing out a fault? Not necessarily. If you really love me and bring something to my attention that I did wrong, I will try to listen to it and take it to heart. But if you bring something to me that I did wrong because you’re angry with me, how do you think I’ll react? Probably not great. Speaking truth is important, but it’s completely useless (like a clanging symbol) unless I’m speaking the truth IN LOVE. 

This week, let’s look at areas where we’re easily angered or offended. Let’s forgive people who offend us. And please keep in mind, that others may still be working on Week 6 and allowing God to work in their hearts so that they offend less. Please remember when I do something rude that I really love you, and am trying to love you the way God commands me to. And then when you’re offended by me, I’ll remember that you love me, and I’ll forgive you for not covering my faults.

What’s the Big Deal?

I am wondering why Paul felt that the word rude or inappropriate was so important to the list of love attributes. It seems like a small thing, and this week I didn’t have to think about it much, which is saying a lot, since I would tend to consider myself an inappropriate person. For instance, I don’t seem to pick up on normal social cues, which puts me in awkward situations more than I would like. I also seem to cross the line when I’m in a group setting, and just in general, I find being inappropriate quite humorous. With all of that being said, I don’t feel that I struggled this week with being rude. At least, not to your face.

I may not have said the wrong thing or acted unbecomingly, but in my heart, or to my husband, or to my close friends, I may have complained about you. I may have said something rude about you, or thought of something I wish I could tell you because you’re messing it up. I may have even said that you’re not thankful enough for me and all that I do for you. All of those things (although hidden to most) are rude and inappropriate and unbecoming. When I talk about someone, I look bad. I become a gossip and an untrustworthy, un-LOVING person. The exact opposite of a Christ-follower.

So I find myself once again at the place between “acting in love” and “being in love”. How sad would this whole campaign be if it only taught me how to act out love but not to actually love. If I’m only cross-checking my actions and how I’ve affected others, and never actually looked at my heart, what have I gained? I keep coming back to the heart. It has to come from my heart first. But how?

First and foremost, I am praying. I am asking God constantly to change my heart, mold me, shape me, to give me His love. This whole 15 weeks may be in vain if it doesn’t start with His love and grace taking shape within me.

Week 6: Love is Not Rude

Love is not rude, or does not act unbecomingly. In other words it is proper, fitting and appropriate. Maybe this week will help us to understand what it means to ‘speak the truth in love’ (Ephesians 4:15). Speak the truth when it’s fitting or appropriate, not necessarily any time I want to spit out the harsh truth. Love in such a way that brings you and others honor, not shame. When I say something that hurts someone else (even though it may be true), it brings shame to my life. I look bad. I look judgmental. AND I make God look bad. But when I act truly loving, God honors me and I show God’s glory in my life.

Love does not seek to cause problems or to belittle others. Love chooses appropriate actions and responses that HELP others. I LOVE the word chooses. Love is a choice. Love is not how we feel (although sometimes we do feel love) but love goes deeper.  Love is a constant choosing to love another person, which is why we make vows on our wedding day. We are vowing to love our spouse even when we don’t feel love towards them. We are vowing to make the choices that love, protect, honor, and encourage our spouse even when they don’t deserve it. We are vowing that we will make the CHOICE to love, in richer or poorer, sickness or health, or whatever else life throws our way.

The problem I find with rudeness or improper behavior is that it changes culturally and generationally. Something that is inappropriate in Sweden may be culturally normal here. Something that would have caused gasps 50 years ago may be completely acceptable now. So by what basis do we judge our propriety?

Like every other aspect of love, I am learning that it seems to be a matter of the heart. It doesn’t seem to necessarily be about the action, but more about the motive behind the action. For instance the Pharisees followed every law and were completely obedient, but Jesus said their hearts were far from God. He called them a brood of vipers! Their actions were honorable, but their hearts were proud. They weren’t following the law out of their love for God or others, they were following the law because they thought they were better than everyone else and more deserving of honor. This type of heart does not put you in good-standing with God. He seems more concerned with our motives: “People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I’m saying all this because, to me, it directly relates to understanding the heart of “Love is not rude.” I might be rude unintentionally in another culture, simply because of my lack of knowledge about that culture. That doesn’t mean I have been unloving. If someone teaches me what is rude and I do it anyway, that is unloving.

I think we can look at it like this. Have you ever heard yourself or someone else say, “I don’t mean to be rude but…” or following up an inappropriate statement with “no offense!” Sometimes we KNOW we’re being rude. Sometimes we know something is inappropriate but we do it anyway. Why? What is our motive? We have to look at the heart. Am I trying to impress you? Am I trying to get you to think I’m funny? Am I being too honest because I actually want to point our your flaws and puff myself up? Am I trying to draw attention to myself?

This week, as I think about behavior that is unbecoming, inappropriate or rude, I want to look at my heart. I want God to show me when I’m thinking of myself more than others.  I want to learn how to be polite, not because I want to be a better person, but because I want to LOVE more. I want to learn how to love, and how to exude Jesus and the Love of my Father so that it is attractive to others. I think the point here is that being rude or inappropriate is really unattractive, and DOES NOT bring others into the Love of Christ. It turns them AWAY from you, and the miracle of the Good News that you carry every day. We want to draw people in to this Gift, this Love, not turn them away or put a bad taste in their mouth...which is exactly what Rudeness does.