Pride Mountain

This week has made me tired. I have been open to God showing me pride in my own life, because pride tends to blind us to itself. So this week, I was asking God to show me where I struggled with pride but didn’t know it. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am now officially blown away. I have some serious issues. I need help. I already knew this, trust me, but this week God showed me something that I have struggled with forever. It was already there, and I’ve even seen it before, but this week, God showed me a mountain in my life.

I’m too hard on myself. I have very high standards, and I’m constantly not living up to them. Since I’ve learned a little about grace in my walk, I’ve changed my standards…for everyone else. I can now give grace to others and not desire them to live up to my standards. This was really necessary, trust me, I love so much more deeply now that I’m not afraid of everyone doing everything imperfectly.

But it isn’t ending there. I’ve been in pain this week. I’ve been exhausted. Partly because I’ve been searching and listening and open to God. But mostly because I feel like pride is so deep and so huge that I’ll never stop dealing with it. It is a huge mountain towering in front of me, I see no way through it or around it.

The good part is that God says if I have faith even as small as a mustard seed, I can tell this mountain to throw itself into the sea, and it will.

Not by my might or power, but by God’s Spirit. His will, His grace, His salvation. He isn’t just saving me from death or hell, sometimes He’s also saving me from…me.

We sing a song in our church called Centuries that has a lyric, “What can man to do me?” It’s a beautiful song about resting in God and finding peace in Him alone. As we sang it today, I realized that the “man” in that line is really me. I am my own worst enemy. I am the mountain that stops me from being who I really am. I am the mountain that keeps me from pursuing and chasing the Wild Love I so desire.

But I am also the mustard seed. I can have faith that moves the mountain through Christ in me.

My new prayer is from another song we sing by Ember Days, “Oh, move the mountains, oh, part the seas, Lord. You healed the lepers when they called Your name. You heal the broken, so will You heal me?”

I don’t know how to walk in grace towards myself. It’s something my pride won’t allow me to do, because I like being right and I like being ‘above reproach’ and I want to live to a higher calling because I think that’s what God wants for me. But when I live this way based on pride, I’m missing the entire point of God’s love and grace to His creation.

It’s also not working. This is another realization that has really depressed me this week. Being really hard on myself, beating myself up, and constantly trying to force myself to be better is not actually working. Sure, I can bite my tongue once in a while, but I still say stupid things that hurt people. Sure, I can be a little more patient when there’s a stupid driver in front of me, but I still burst out at my children sometimes. Sure, I can make a list of ways that I’m thankful, but I still analyze my actions constantly and come out six feet under. I don’t want to live like that anymore, because it’s not helping me be a better person. I have to go back to the beginning: live in love, not fear. I have to believe that the more I love God and the more I understand His love for me, the better person I will become. “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all else will be added to you.” If my desire is to do what God wants me to do, and to understand His love, and to pursue Him, He can help me to see the truth about myself, and to accept who I am - not trying to be more than I am, but resting in the fact that He Is.

We heard at church today that some mountains simply crumble and fall into the sea, but some mountains erode slowly during different storms. I’ve seen God erode my mountain during a storm, but I find myself building it back up again. After all, it’s familiar, it’s safe, I’m not sure what will happen when I can’t hide behind it anymore. But I think I am now determined to let the storms come and erode this mountain. I’m determined to destroy the tools and materials that help me build it back up. I’m determined to believe so strongly in God’s power and grace that He can remove this mountain. Even Pride Mountain.

Week Three: Love is not Envious

I typically don’t envy other people. I don’t see the point. Being jealous doesn’t bring me any closer to having what someone else has, it only makes me feel bad about myself, so what’s the point?  But just because I don’t normally get jealous of other people, doesn’t mean I don’t need to improve in this area. You know what the opposite of not being jealous of others would be? (Other than being happy for them of course.) Being thankful for what I have. That would pretty much cure our envy most of the time, wouldn’t it?

My husband and I bought this house that needed a ton of work. When we first looked at it, we saw what it could be. It needed paint, new bathrooms, floors, some new walls, new appliances, and the entire outside of the house, roof, and yard needed a complete overhaul. What were we thinking? We saw the potential, and we fell in love with it, so we bought it. We’ve done a TON of work, and it’s a  decent house now. But do you know what I see when I look at it? All the stuff we haven’t done yet. That’s all I see. I can’t enjoy my yard, because all I see is the pile of junk there, the weeds that aren’t getting cut over there, the overgrowth of whatever that is over there. There is so much work to do! I’m not exactly envying someone else, but I’m not at all being thankful for what I have. What if when I looked at my yard, I saw how much beauty we’ve sowed, how much transformation has taken place?

I know this is slightly different from envy, but I think it will help us to see how we can be loving in this area. We think the opposite of being envious is saying “oh that’s so great that they get to do that (poor me I can’t) but I’m not going to focus on me, I’m going to be happy for them!" I’m not sure that’s going to work. I think what will work is saying “oh that’s so great that they get to do that. I’m so thankful that I have this or that I get to do that.”

Does that make sense? We’re kind of killing two birds with one stone. I know there isn’t a ‘Love is Thankful’ week, but don’t you think thankfulness will remove all our envy? 

Maybe I can apply this to more than just my yard. Maybe I should apply it to the people in my life who aren’t what I want them to be. (CAUTION, DANGER ZONE.)

Don’t we look at people the same way I look at my yard?  There’s just so much to do. He has such a long way to go... If my son was just more like that... If my daughter was just less like this... If my husband would just treat me like this...

Isn’t that a dangerous place to be in? Somehow this feels like envy to me. Wishing people were something they’re not. Instead of being thankful for the things they are. Wow. Imagine if I lived like that!

Imagine if you had a mental list of all the ways your husband blesses you and is wonderful that you could tell yourself when he does that thing that he always does that you can’t stand!  Don’t you think it would help your heart to love him more?

I’m fortunate to have an amazing husband, so maybe it’s not fair. But he still has his moments. He has a lot of them.  There are things I think he should do, ways I think he should change. But you know what? I bet he could say the same for me. (AH!) And I DO NOT want to hear those things. You know what I hope he does when he’s mad at me? I hope he remembers all the good things about me. I hope he thinks about how I pick up his dirty socks off the floor by the laundry basket EVERY DAY, and I hope he remembers that I bring him his favorite coffee when he’s at work, or that I’m fun to be with. I hope he thinks of all those things when I do something stupid, because when I think about it, I do A LOT of stupid things.

I hope he doesn’t get jealous when he sees some other perfect wife. That would be crazy. And totally unloving. So it’s not okay for me either. 

Since this week is a Love-is-NOT-something week, and since just trying to NOT do something is really hard, I think our practice this week should be in thankfulness.  

And don't forget to be patient and serviceably kind, too.