Pride Mountain

This week has made me tired. I have been open to God showing me pride in my own life, because pride tends to blind us to itself. So this week, I was asking God to show me where I struggled with pride but didn’t know it. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am now officially blown away. I have some serious issues. I need help. I already knew this, trust me, but this week God showed me something that I have struggled with forever. It was already there, and I’ve even seen it before, but this week, God showed me a mountain in my life.

I’m too hard on myself. I have very high standards, and I’m constantly not living up to them. Since I’ve learned a little about grace in my walk, I’ve changed my standards…for everyone else. I can now give grace to others and not desire them to live up to my standards. This was really necessary, trust me, I love so much more deeply now that I’m not afraid of everyone doing everything imperfectly.

But it isn’t ending there. I’ve been in pain this week. I’ve been exhausted. Partly because I’ve been searching and listening and open to God. But mostly because I feel like pride is so deep and so huge that I’ll never stop dealing with it. It is a huge mountain towering in front of me, I see no way through it or around it.

The good part is that God says if I have faith even as small as a mustard seed, I can tell this mountain to throw itself into the sea, and it will.

Not by my might or power, but by God’s Spirit. His will, His grace, His salvation. He isn’t just saving me from death or hell, sometimes He’s also saving me from…me.

We sing a song in our church called Centuries that has a lyric, “What can man to do me?” It’s a beautiful song about resting in God and finding peace in Him alone. As we sang it today, I realized that the “man” in that line is really me. I am my own worst enemy. I am the mountain that stops me from being who I really am. I am the mountain that keeps me from pursuing and chasing the Wild Love I so desire.

But I am also the mustard seed. I can have faith that moves the mountain through Christ in me.

My new prayer is from another song we sing by Ember Days, “Oh, move the mountains, oh, part the seas, Lord. You healed the lepers when they called Your name. You heal the broken, so will You heal me?”

I don’t know how to walk in grace towards myself. It’s something my pride won’t allow me to do, because I like being right and I like being ‘above reproach’ and I want to live to a higher calling because I think that’s what God wants for me. But when I live this way based on pride, I’m missing the entire point of God’s love and grace to His creation.

It’s also not working. This is another realization that has really depressed me this week. Being really hard on myself, beating myself up, and constantly trying to force myself to be better is not actually working. Sure, I can bite my tongue once in a while, but I still say stupid things that hurt people. Sure, I can be a little more patient when there’s a stupid driver in front of me, but I still burst out at my children sometimes. Sure, I can make a list of ways that I’m thankful, but I still analyze my actions constantly and come out six feet under. I don’t want to live like that anymore, because it’s not helping me be a better person. I have to go back to the beginning: live in love, not fear. I have to believe that the more I love God and the more I understand His love for me, the better person I will become. “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all else will be added to you.” If my desire is to do what God wants me to do, and to understand His love, and to pursue Him, He can help me to see the truth about myself, and to accept who I am - not trying to be more than I am, but resting in the fact that He Is.

We heard at church today that some mountains simply crumble and fall into the sea, but some mountains erode slowly during different storms. I’ve seen God erode my mountain during a storm, but I find myself building it back up again. After all, it’s familiar, it’s safe, I’m not sure what will happen when I can’t hide behind it anymore. But I think I am now determined to let the storms come and erode this mountain. I’m determined to destroy the tools and materials that help me build it back up. I’m determined to believe so strongly in God’s power and grace that He can remove this mountain. Even Pride Mountain.

Love Is Serving

I’m trying to think of how I can serve more, or how I can be more of a servant. I’m not coming up with much that will actually work. Oh, I have all kinds of ideas on how to improve and serve more. But do you know what I don’t have? Time. Volunteer at a soup kitchen? That’s a great way to serve. But I work all day and have my kids alone all weekend. Cook someone a meal? Yeah, that would be great if I wasn’t going on vacation next week. Clean a new mom’s house? Sure, sure, but that will take too long so I’ll just hire someone else to do it.

It’s not that I don’t know HOW to serve, I just don’t know how to FIND THE TIME to serve. Being kind is super hard.

Don’t think too poorly of me. Mostly, I don’t have time to serve because I’m already serving. I’m constantly serving my kids and my husband. I try to watch my friend’s kids when they need help. I’m always having people over for dinner to serve them. I try to clean up when I’m at people’s houses (I learned this from a good friend who always cleans up at my house when she’s over and wow is it a blessing!) I visit friends who need a visitor. I write to people who may need an encouraging word. I pray. I feel like I do try to serve others. But there are so many people who serve a lot more than I do! I know I’m not doing as well as I could.

I think the "serving" that God wants from us in LOVE here is more precise. I think it’s listening, serving the person in need. I can’t think of any story to show “kindness” and “serving” better than The Good Samaritan.  We know the story… a guy gets robbed and beat up and left on the side of the road to die. A bunch of good religious people see him and leave him there. But then this Samaritan (the guy's enemy) helps him, nurses him back to health and makes sure he’s okay.  That is the kindness found in 1 Corinthians 13:4. 

Am I like the Good Samaritan?

No, I’m just not. I generally leave others to fend for themselves. In fact, in emergency situations, I freeze. I am 90% sure that if one of my kids was about to fall off a cliff, I would instantly freeze instead of diving to save him. I know that sounds awful, but it’s probably true. When I see a bad situation unfolding, I go blank. Sometimes I pass out. (Hopefully if something like this ever happened, my husband would be around, because he is the total opposite! He instinctively runs TOWARD danger and saves everyone. HERO!)

But since Christ is in me, and I’m being made new with the renewing of my mind (Rom. 12:2), then I should be changing. I should be more of a servant. I should see when people need help, and be able to help them.  That’s what Christ did. So if I’m taking on the nature of my Father and His Son a little more every day, then surely I can lend a helping hand to someone in need (in a timely fashion.)

It’s not just about danger and near-death experiences. There’s another point to be made from The Good Samaritan. These guys were enemies. They were from opposite sides of the track so to speak. Are there people in my life who need my help that I don’t want to help? Yeah *sigh*. Kindness in LOVE would help them.

Wouldn’t it be great, if we loved our enemies like Jesus said we should? “Serviceable kindness” would be a great place to start.

Am I really going to be more patient?

Two nights ago, the first night of the Campaign and Day One of “Love is Patient”, I had one of those nights with my kids. Or I should say, ‘my kids had one of those nights.’ I have twin 5-year-old boys. That sentence in itself is supposed to tell a whole story, but you have to read between the lines.  In any case, they’ve never been good sleepers.  They were up every night for at least the first three years. After that, once in a while we’d have a night where we actually slept through until morning.  It very slowly got better, and now we’re mostly sleeping straight through the night.  Surprisingly, this did not come in handy for my practice in patience.  I have gotten used to sleeping all night! So let’s just say I was…not happy to be woken up 6 times out of the blue.  

Sometimes, when my husband isn't working, I can pretend I’m asleep so I don’t have to get up. He does it too, so I don’t feel bad.  It’s okay, I know when I can’t handle something.  I know when I’m not going to have the patience that I need to help them. But when I’m alone, I don’t have a way out. If I can’t find the patience, I yell. I cry. “Why are you doing this to me?!” might come out of my mouth in there somewhere. I know it sounds childish, but when you’re desperate and honestly just need sleep, strange things happen to you.

I had to stop and think. I couldn’t figure out why my son was so upset. I asked him. He said he didn’t know. Of course he doesn’t, he’s 5.  This isn’t a parenting blog, so let’s just assume I already tried everything that could be suggested. Nothing was working. And my patience was wearing thin. In fact, it was gone.  Then I got mad. I got mad at my little, precious 5 year old because he was crying for no reason in the middle of the night.

“God!” I cried out, “I have no patience! Give me your patience!” I was desperate. How can I teach others to be patient when I literally couldn’t find a string of it left in me? Jesus is in there somewhere. He said He lives in me. So I’m going to tap into that. I’m going to need some patience when I literally don’t have it. I’m coming up short. But with Him, all things are possible. He can even teach this old dog some new tricks.

Did I instantly feel better? No. I still felt helpless. I still really didn’t know what to do. But I asked God to come, to fill me up with His Spirit and give me the things I did not have.  I went back to my son’s room and spoke quietly to him for the third time. I told him I loved him. I don’t even remember what happened after that. But somehow the night quieted down and we all got some peaceful sleep.

I’m not sure I learned how to be more patient that night. But I learned to stop and cry out to God when I needed His help. I think for Day One, maybe that’s a good start.

Why Love is more important than sin.

Okay, so we’re going to stop walking in fear, and start walking in love. This doesn’t mean we’re accepting sin and saying it’s okay. We’re just saying we’re going to stop focusing on what’s ‘right and wrong’ and start focusing on love. 

Do you know why this is important? Because God can wipe sin away in one second. God can literally remove it from us: as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) We know this. We know Jesus wipes our sin away. “My sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.”  Right?

But do you know how long it has taken God to get us to LOVE Him? It’s the year 2014 AD, which means it’s been like…two thousand years since Christ came, and how many more thousands were before that? (I honestly don’t know, although I’m sure I could google it.)

We still haven’t gotten it. We still don’t love him with all our hearts and with all our minds and with all our strength. AND THIS IS WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR!  This is what He created us for!  So isn’t it possible that LOVING HIM may be more important than NOT SINNING, which He can take care of (and has already taken care of) in one second?

There’s a lot of things that Jesus did in the bible that we kind of feel like….well that’s great for Him but that doesn’t actually work. There’s a limit. You gotta draw the line somewhere. It’s just not practical. I’m a very practical person, so I get it. But I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t come down and tell us to be like Him just for fun. He served a pretty serious sentence, and actually requires and expects us to do what He says.

I was thinking of this story in the bible:  Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22)  I know seventy times seven is 490, but I think the point is to stop counting. 

Here’s how the story goes in my mind: I go up to Jesus and I say, Ok yeah, yeah, forgiveness is great, but how many times do I REALLY forgive? There’s a limit right? I mean your whole hippie, peace, love and forgiveness thing sounds really nice on paper, but you don’t expect us to actually live this out?  Cause my neighbor has done this thing to me 7 times and I’ve forgiven him all 7 times Jesus, but if he does it again, he’s dead to me. That's acceptable, right?

Jesus puts his head down and just shakes it back and forth slowly. How does she not get this? No, not seven times. Stop counting.  He follows this conversation directly with a story about a servant who owed a TON of money to this rich guy but he pleaded for mercy and the guy forgives him his debt and sends him home. But when he gets home he demands this really small debt from his friend and does terrible things to him because he can’t pay. Do you know why Jesus tells this story directly after his conversation with Peter? Because he’s saying, "Peter, or J.J. (that’s me), you’re the one with the huge $100,000 debt, and I forgave it, because you asked me to. Your brother causing you pain 7 times (I know it hurts), but it’s like a $10 debt compared to yours! And you think it’s too great to forgive? Change your perspective, and keep forgiving.

So is 15 Weeks to LOVE possible? Is it practical? Can it work? Yes! We just have to change how we think.

That’s what this is all about. Changing how we think, how we act, and how we feel -- taking on God’s heart and replacing our shortcomings with His love.

Love is on tap.

We’re not meant to do this in our own strength. This is really key here. We’re not just trying to be better people, doing good deeds, making people smile, although that will probably take place.  (In general, if we love, we’ll be better people.) But that’s not the point. The point is to allow the ‘Christ in me’ thing to take place. Christ in me, the hope of glory. (Col 1:27)  That is my only hope here. I can’t fully walk in love without God completely helping me out.

My Goal:  Learn how to let ‘Christ in me’ shine through all my natural stuff: my impatience, my selfishness, my memory (or lack thereof), my flesh, and just let Him take over and do His work through me. I almost think of it like I’m “tapping in” to this part inside me, and I’m going to allow it to spring forth. So what’s on tap today? Jesus. And Love. Love is on tap.